The Jerk Manifesto - Prelude

 

It was hot.  God, it was hot.  I mean, you expect a certain level of unpleasantness during summer, that’s a given.  The weather guy was on the radio, but as I wasn’t hearing anything about the end of the world, I figured he was understating the issue.  No fire and brimstone?  Really?  Nothing about the weather hating me for having the audacity to exist, and declaring it’s unsavoury intentions towards my mother?  Just a heatwave, you say?  Man, this guy needed a thesaurus.

On top of it all, the office air conditioning was broken again, with no time frame given as to when anybody could be bothered fixing it.  I was starting to think it might be worth my while having a go myself, even though I knew nothing about air conditioning beyond it functioning in both the ‘On’ and ‘Off’ states. 

Thank God it’s Friday, right?

It was about five minutes before knock off time that my work phone rang, and my teeth were on the verge of exploding from rage.  I don’t know if that’s physically possible, but you hear things every now and then about crazy shit happening to people, and I figure, hey, if you’re going to go out, it may as well be in a way that baffles the medical community, right?  That’s how you get remembered. I mean, imagine being that guy!  “He was just sitting around, and bang!  His fucking teeth just exploded!  You should have seen the mess.  That’s why we have, like, six air conditioners now.  You can’t be too safe.”

I picked up the phone, wondering how big the blast radius could possibly be from spontaneous dental blowout. 

“Advantage Insurance, you’re speaking with Jake.”

“Anita Dix here, Jake,” purred a feminine voice over the line.  I burst into an unintentional fit of giggling, which I tried, poorly, to cover with coughing.  If she noticed, she politely waited for me to finish.

“Are you alright, Jake?”

I wondered if she got that a lot.  “I’m sorry, do you get that a lot?”  Damn it!  Sometimes I say things as soon as they come to mind, and it’s like my better judgement is off drunk somewhere or something. 

Anita coolly responded, “Not since school.” 

“Yeah, kids eh?  Little bastards.”  I mentally high fived myself on the sweet recovery.  “How can I help you this afternoon, Anita?”

“Jake, you’re going to receive an offer tonight.  One you would do well not to refuse.”

“Hang on,” I interjected.  “Are you some kind of telemarketer?”  How the hell did this get through those call centre jerks?

“No, Jake.  Tonight, somebody is going to..”

“Because this is a place of business, you can’t be calling and trying to sell me shit.”

“I’m not trying to sell you anything, I’m...”

“Who the hell put you through to my phone, anyways?  Was it Jeremy?  It was Jeremy, wasn’t it.”  Fucking Jeremy, I thought.  Fuck that guy.

“Nobody put me through, I called you directly.”

“You can’t go about calling me directly, that's why we have a call centre.  These numbers are private office lines.”

“Look, how I called you isn’t important.  What’s important is..”

“It’s you pricks in the call centre having a laugh, isn’t it?  God damn it, I put one measly brick through Jeremy’s windscreen and suddenly it’s all ‘Ooh, let’s fuck with Jake.’  Jeremy’s a dick, he had it coming.  Get over it already!’

‘Jake, will you shut the fuck up and let me finish what I’m saying!”  Anita took a deep breath and exhaled, regaining her composure.  I have that effect on women, sometimes.  They get all aroused and start shouting at me.   It's hot.

“So.. Not a prank call then?” I ventured.

“Listen,” she responded.  “Somebody you know will want to cut you in on an opportunity tonight.  You need to take them up on that offer.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously.  I want you to go with them.  It will be in your best interest.”  She tried her best to regain her prior sense of mystery.  It was all getting a little weird for my liking.

“I don’t know,” I began, “I remember seeing a movie one time where this guy gets a mysterious call that tells him to do something, and he ends up being chased by robots or something.  It did not end well for that guy.”  I struggled to recall what film it was.  Man, just when you think you remember something, it’s gone.  I hate that.

“What.. what are you talking about?”  Anita sounded puzzled.

“You know, it’s that movie about a guy, something with computers and saving the world.  It’s got that black guy in it.  The one with the grill on him.”  Jesus, what was that movie?  I had it a moment ago.

“You’ve just described hundreds of films,” she responded.  “You’ll need to be more specific.”

“The main guy, he’s like some goofy white guy, face like a log.”

“Chevy Chase?”

“No, no.. Chevy Chase has personality, what are you on about?  Also, I don’t recall him starring alongside robots, unless you count Steve Martin.”

“Really? Steve Martin?  What’s wrong with him?  I quite enjoyed Pink Panther, myself.”

“Where do you get off?  There’s only one Jaques Clouseau, and Steve Martin may as well have just pissed on his grave.  Unbelievable.”  Was this woman for real, or what?  Awful taste in movies.  I made a mental note never to ask her to a movie. “No,” I continued, “the clown from Bill and Ted.”

“What, Keanu Reeves?”

“Yeah, that guy.  Got the emotional range of a brick.  You could replace him with a cardboard cut-out, and nobody would notice the difference.”  I wondered to myself if that might actually work.  Maybe Keanu died years ago, and they’ve just been carting about a bunch of cut-outs from set to set?  Surely they’d save thousands of dollars from not having to pay him.  It was brilliant!

“Oh, you mean the Matrix.” That was it! 

“Yes!” I exclaimed triumphantly.  “The Matrix!  Man, that was gonna bug me all evening, I could tell.”

“Glad I could help.” 

“You’re not the Matrix, are you?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The Matrix.  Are you the Matrix calling me?”  God, she was thick.  How many times does a guy have to ask?

 “What do you.. How could I..” she stammered.  “The Matrix isn’t even a person, it’s a thing!”

“I’m not hearing a no..”  I winked slyly, but then I remembered that winking doesn’t really translate across the phone.  She might not have gotten the gesture.

“No, I am not the goddamn Matrix.  The Matrix was a movie, for crying out loud.”

“A trilogy,” I corrected her.

“Fine, a trilogy then!”

“And a huge disappointment, at that.  I can’t believe they dropped the ball so badly.  What was that about?”

“Can we please, please, stop talking about the Matrix?” she pleaded.  I could hear the desperation in her voice.  Maybe I should ask her out, I thought.  If she was desperate enough, she just might go for it.

“Fine,” I relented.  “So, how can I help you, anyways?”

“Seriously?”  She sounded taken aback. “We were just discussing it.  Moments ago.  Right before you started up about the Matrix.”

“You called to talk about the Pink Panther?  I believe I’ve said all I’m going to on that subject, thank you.”

“No, not the Pink Panther..”  She might have been on the verge of tears.  Just a moment longer, I thought.. Right when she’s at her most desperate.  Then, bam!  Ask her out.  Chicks dig guys who show initiative.  “Seriously, Jake,” she continued, “are you mentally challenged or something?”

“The doctors call it foetal alcohol syndrome.  Personally, I blame the booze.”

“Look,” she started again, slowly and deliberately.  “One of your friends is going to need your help with something tonight, when he asks you just do it, for God’s sake.”

“My friends?  Oh, shit no.  I don’t trust those guys as far as I can throw them.  What are you, trying to get me killed?”

“Fine, do what you want.  Thanks for wasting my precious time.  Goodbye, Jake.  It’s been.. well, goodbye.”

“Wait!"  I remembered something. "Would you like to catch a movie with me sometime?”  I was too late, she’d already hung up.  So close...  Still, I thought I handled it pretty well, myself.  At least she hadn’t slapped me, I figured.  It occurred to me that, having been a phone call, actually slapping me probably wasn’t a conversational option.  Still, nice.

I gathered up my things, feeling quite impressed with myself in spite of the heat, and decided it was time to head home for a quiet beer.

 

Comments

[Jake Mannon]

Definitely the best kind of laughter.  I look forward to keeping him amused!

[K]

Clever chook - I was sitting in the other room and heard husband laughing out loud while reading this...